In die Nachtgalerie...

Kids, let me tell about the time I almost got to do a Blu-ray audio commentary for Kolchak: The Night Stalker. Almost. 

March 2021: word came down that a Blu-ray release of the complete Kolchak was in the works (the two telefilms that preceded the series had already been released by Kino Lorber in 2018, so this release would cover the 20 regular series episodes that followed). I was alerted by David J. Schow (who’d already been tapped to contribute) that Kino was commissioning audio commentaries for all twenty episodes... and there were a few still available. To say I was elated would be an understatement, as I assumed my commentary work on the Outer Limits Blu-rays represented a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  

But here’s the thing--- whenever Kino notifies its usual stable of commentators that a new TV release is brewing, a mad flurry of emails is unleashed in which everyone voices their assignment preferences. As I recall, I was a bit slow to respond because--- I’m a bit embarrassed to admit--- I wasn’t that familiar with the show, so I had a brief argument with myself regarding whether or not I could actually deliver something worthwhile. By the time I’d thrown caution to the wind… all the episodes were spoken for. We’re only talking a couple of hours here… these things play out like a shark frenzy when a drop of blood hits the water. So I missed my shot, which was admittedly disappointing. I had no time to mourn the loss, however, because that same day, Kino told me that they would be tackling Rod Serling’s Night Gallery next… and that I would be welcome to participate. 

Many of you are aware that I was a Twilight Zone fan(atic) long before I discovered The Outer Limits... in fact, I think of it as my classic TV first love. The thought of actually contributing to Blu-ray releases of the next best thing (remember, it’s the closest thing to a Serling-created sequel that TZ would ever get) was positively mind-blowing. Yeah, I forgot about the whole Kolchak thing real quick. 

Night Gallery’s first season is short--- just the pilot movie and six episodes--- so the most I could hope for would be one episode (remember, the show was an anthology-within-an-anthology, so each episode contained multiple stories). I immediately requested the season-ender that contained Serling’s “They’re Tearing Down Riley’s Bar,” certain that I had no shot given its iconic status (it may be the single best-remembered episode in the entire series or, at the very least, equal in stature to immortal classics like “The Caterpillar” and “Cool Air”). I mean, it’s not like I had anything to lose, right? The worst that could happen is that they’d laugh hysterically and give me “Make Me Laugh” (one of the crappiest installments of the season; hell, of the entire series). On the other hand--- I (li’l ol’ me) had already covered multiple immortal Outer Limits classics (“O.B.I.T.” and “Demon with a Glass Hand,” not to mention “The Man Who Was Never Born” for the Australians), so... who knows? 

Kino gave it to me without batting an eye. I celebrated for about five seconds before the crushing weight of responsibility rested firmly atop my shoulders, its insistent claws digging into my flesh. “Tim Riley” isn’t just a high point for Night Gallery--- it’s the final piece of a tapestry of autobiographical works examining nostalgic longing that Serling started way back in his live TV days. I--- me, Yours Truly, this caveman right here--- would have to somehow craft something worthy of such an important work. And then the icy chill of abject panic set in. I’m pretty sure I got drunk that night, just to settle my nerves (not the first time, and definitely not the last). And that seemed to do the trick... things flowed pretty well once I finally forced myself to start writing, and soon I had well over 52 minutes of material (which is the best problem to have when you have a finite amount of time to fill; cutting is infinitely preferable to padding). And I think it turned out pretty decent overall---- and I did get a Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Award nomination for it (didn't win, alas).

One of the more fascinating aspects of Night Gallery’s history was the bizarre treatment it received when it was prepared for syndication after its network run aired. I’m not going to recount the whole thing here, but I will give you a thumbnail sketch (or smear, as the case may be): it was an hour show, but was downsized to thirty minutes in its third and final season. The subsequent syndication package was mandated to contain ALL half-hour episodes, which meant significant editing was done to several segments. For the show’s first season, the single most edited (i.e., cut down) segment was “They’re Tearing Down Tim Riley’s Bar" (which was slashed from 40 minutes to 24). As unfortunate as this was (and still is), the tele-butchery at least provided a plethora of talking points for my audio commentary. As a rudimentary study guide of sorts, I created a split-screen video of the complete segment, synched to the hacked-up syndicated version, so I could see where all the holes were. 

I did this purely for my own research purposes… but it got me thinking about the effect of the syndication edits on the series as a whole, and what an important piece of the Night Gallery story they represent (since those syndication versions are STILL in circulation, while the unedited originals are only available on home video). I approached Kino about the viability of including my split-screen video on the Blu-ray set… and to my surprise and delight, they went for it. They provided me with an uncompressed master of the episode (which, if you’re curious, is around 60 gigabytes in size!), and I rebuilt my video in high definition. My initial intent was to simply preface the video with a couple of text screens explaining what the viewer was about to see, but I quickly realized that I could make it prettier than that, with a few graphics and maybe some music… 

Things exploded exponentially from there. My “rudimentary study guide” mutated into a full-fledged Ken Burns-style documentary featurette, examining all the syndication changes to the first season episodes, complete with clips, music and motion graphics (and yes, voiceover narration by Yours Truly). 

I created similar featurettes for the second and third seasons (which can be found on their corresponding Blu-rays, the third of which just dropped a couple of weeks ago). And I’m not gonna lie--- I’m super proud of ‘em. It’s one thing to write and record an audio commentary---- imagine having the entire multimedia spectrum at your fingertips. And honestly, viewers are way more likely to click on a documentary featurette (which can be viewed) versus an audio-only supplement.

The lesson here? If you want something in life, just fucking ask for it. The worst that can happen is that you’ll get turned down (okay, I suppose you could get laughed out of the room in the process). But dammit, sack up and take the risk, because you might get exactly what you want. Fortune favors the bold, somebody somewhere said once (I think, anyway; it sounds vaguely familiar). Just by proposing an idea, just by asking---- I set a chain of events in motion that led to professional gig work. Plus, I can now stop referring to myself as a podcaster-slash-blogger and instead identify as both a film and television historian AND a documentary filmmaker. Pretty cool, right?  

Oh, here’s one more example of fortune favoring the bold (or whatever the damned saying is): just a couple of weeks ago, Kino announced that they’re releasing a classic science-fiction B-movie from the late 1950’s on Blu-ray in 2023, so I immediately emailed my contact and offered my commentating services. And y’know what? I’ve now got my first theatrical commentary gig (don’t ask me what the movie is; I’m not authorized to say yet). So yeah, kids, nut up and just ASK when you want something. 

This is my life in the glow of The Outer Limits---- I never dreamed that this little blog would lead to so many opportunities, but here we are. It’s crazy. 

In case you're curious--- I contributed a total of five audio commentaries for the three Night Gallery Blu-ray sets: 

1x06    "They're Tearing Down Tim Riley's Bar"

            "The Last Laurel"

2x01    "The Boy Who Predicted Earthquakes"

            "Miss Lovecraft Sent Me"

            "The Hand of Borgus Weems"

            "Phantom of What Opera?”

2x14    "The Different Ones"

            "Tell David..."

            "Logoda’s Heads"

3x03    "Rare Objects"

3x09    "She'll Be Company For You"